Thursday, July 15, 2010

30 Day Challenge Day - 30: Remembering What We Had, Looking to the Future

On September 9th 2005 a great, amazing adventure began. On July 2nd, 2010 it was officially over. We had officially gone in our separate directions and "let go and let God".

It started rather randomly, we met at my ex-GF's birthday party at the time. Our first time hanging out was Celebration on the Grand, which turned out to be our first date. The September 9 date we always held was that night. We had been spoiled for several years, living just moments away from each other. For two years on college we literally lived around the corner from each other. Then a mere 15 minutes away for over a year. It's then that the complications began.

I was working for the Griffins and it was summer 2008. She was ending her partial Masters work, and moving out of Allendale, back home to the middle of the state. She didn't have a job lined up yet, however was getting a few interviews. In August she had a ton of interviews in North Carolina. She had always said she couldn't do distance. It turned out that of the six interviews she was granted, she was offered five of the positions. What happened over the next couple weeks stunned me. She turned them all down. I feared she did so to stay in Michigan, closer to me. I didn't want to be blamed for her lack of employment, nor un-happiness. As September started, it was back to the drawing board.

A week later she was given a lifeline from heaven it seemed. In the face of all lost hope a district on the East side of the state needed someone immediatly. She took it. Amazingly it seemed it was all working out, however I still had my job with the Griffins at the time and was on the other side of the state. My life became more interesting as work became an issue in October, and by Halloween I had left my position. It was one of the scariest times in my life, but it was sort of freeing. Seeking work, she told me about being a substitute teacher. By the end of November of that year I was all signed up and teaching by December. The only problem was that despite my continued job hunt, we were still on opposite side of the state.

Summer arrived and with no new employment opportunities, I reverted back to my old retail employer for 2.5 months. The issue was persistant, distance was becoming harder and harder. I once again had to start teaching again, and she took a new position with her district. Her schedule became a lot to bear as the demands of her job weigheted her down. Before Christmas break there was a stretch of over month we did not see each other. In retrospect, that was the breaking point. By February 13th, we called a serious scaling back of the relationship. I was very hesitant but I understood her perspective.

Throughout the next months, daily communication faded to several times weekly. Soon, I was the only one iniating communication. On July 2nd all my fears had been confirmed. It was over with the most wonderful girl I had ever met. The way we met was as random as can be, and the way it all ended was a sad, heartbreaking victim of circumstance and frustration. There are few more helpless feelings than the inability to find a decent job somewhere near the one you love. It all ended almost as mysteriously as it began. What looked like happily ever after two years ago is now a long healing process. I hate that it seems I dissapointed people in my current situation. Not everyone's path is the same, and mine has taken an odd detour away from the status quo. I have the overwhelming feeling of being unfairly judged as of the result.

I am happy for her, but there is a lot I don't know about what's going on in her head. In reality, I think it would best if I just not know. I still have a great deal of respect for her, but at the same time feel somewhat insulted. There will always be a big part of me that loves her. The healing process will be a very long one for me. I understand and respect her reasonings, but to come to terms with them and stop the pain will take a long time. I don't know when I will be able to open myself up to love again.

So here is to the future, to new adventures, and to wishing her all the best. No one knows where this great path leads. God has a plan and all the peices will fall eventually. Who knows, maybe one day crazier things will happen.


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